Out From The Cold
by Whatthefawkes
Summary: It was 3 am and Kate Beckett was standing outside Richard Castle's door. She was out of her mind and yet this was the sanest she had ever been. Season 3 AU.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Castle. Sadly. Otherwise I'd keep Kate Beckett around all day.

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><p><strong>I<strong>

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><p>She stood outside his door, shivering under the heavy brown coat she had grabbed in her haste to leave. They had almost lost each other today - trapped in a freezer clinging to each other for warmth. Secrets on the tip of her tongue ready to be spilled until she lost consciousness, falling away into the darkness. Her secrets slipping away along with her consciousness, finding their way back into the smallest, darkest corners of her mind, hiding from the light.<p>

The face of the man she loved wasn't the first thing she saw when she woke. She saw Josh Davidson. Surely that should have meant something life affirming to her? Her boyfriend stuck around New York to be with her, blowing off Haiti and all the lives he could have saved. It should have meant something to her and yet here she was, standing outside her partners house at 3am after running out on her boyfriend.

She was out of her mind and yet this was the sanest she had ever been.

Her knuckles rapped ever so lightly against the hard wood of the door. He probably wasn't awake, maybe she should go. Maybe this wasn't the best idea. But she didn't want to leave. She couldn't. This is where she needed to be. This is where her heart need to be. If only she would ever admit it to herself.

Here he was. Richard Castle. He looked tired, broken and battered around the edges with his head poking out the front door looking at her like she was the sun. He was clinging to any piece of light and laughter that he could find. Struggling to find his place in a world that had almost lost him. That had almost lost her.

'Beckett?' he said, concern fleeting across his face, settling on the lines beneath his eyes making him look years older in a matter of moments. 'What are you doing here? Are you okay?'

His hand reached out and faltered half way between their bodies before falling back to his side. She had done this. She had made him hesitate around her, never knowing which Beckett he'd find. Would ice cold Beckett make an appearance today or would he get to see the the lighter, freer version of herself? She wanted more. She wanted more for herself, for them. Her body shuddered with every breath she struggled to take, tears sliding down her cheeks, 'Castle,' she gasped, reaching for him. Grabbing. Clinging.

Kate's arms wove their way round his neck, pulling his body to hers, moulding them together. She clung to him with everything she had, sobbing erratically into his shoulder. She had almost lost him today. She had almost lost him and she had never told him how she felt. Always hiding herself at every turn and never revealing her hearts truest self.

It felt like years had drifted by before she felt his arms circle her waist, pulling her body even tighter to his. You couldn't tell where Richard Castle ended and Katherine Beckett began.

'I'm here, Kate,' he murmured into her hair, running his hands up and down the length of her back, tangling his fingers in the knots of her hair. 'I'm always here. Always. For you Kate, always.'

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><p><strong>AN**: This was currently written as a one-shot BUT if there's enough interest then I will definitely continue it so for now it will be marked as 'in progress'.

**Twitter:** CaptainGoode  
><strong>Tumblr:<strong> Whatthefawkes


	2. Twisted Words

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Castle. Sadly. Otherwise I'd keep Kate Beckett around all day.

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><p><strong>II<strong>

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><p>She couldn't breathe. This was too much and yet not enough.<p>

He had such resounding faith in her that she couldn't understand how one person could put so much blind faith into a person. She hardly deserved it. She was broken; a tangle of fractured emotions, disjointed thoughts and tumultuous events that lurked in the wreckage of her past. Kate had so much baggage. So much baggage, she felt bent out of shape trying to keep her head afloat.

Yet here was this wonderful man, holding her afloat, whispering the kindest of words into her ear. He had become her anchor.

Kate pushed Castle away, opening a chasm between them, both physically and emotionally, 'I'm sorry, Castle,' she said, afraid to look him in the eye. 'It's - it's been a really long day. Too close.'

'Kate-'

'No,' she said, shaking her head roughly, her hands forming manacles around his wrist. 'You shouldn't have to deal with this, Castle. I'm sorry I came here at some stupid hour and woke you up. I'll be fine, okay.'

She could do this. She could distance herself from this wonderful man who so full of kindness and love. He didn't need to fall down the rabbit hole with her, sucked into a pit of despair, inches away from the claws of darkness. He had a family.

'Beckett, look at me,' he said, lifting her chin with his finger, blue eyes meeting green. 'Don't you dare ever apologise to me for needing a friend, for needing someone to be there for you. We're partners, always.'

Kate almost cracked in that moment.

'We've had a tough day, Kate. A really tough day. You almost froze to death.'

'You almost froze too, Castle. You're not a blubbering mess. You're not falling apart on me.'

'Seeing that you were okay - alive and breathing - was enough for me to be okay,' he said, looking at anything but at her. There was a struggle in his eyes, a battle of emotion flurrying across his face. How far was too far? How much could he say about how he felt without causing her to run at the first opportunity? They were on a dangerous road, toeing that very thin line between being platonic friends and something more.

Castle coughed, looking visibly uncomfortable, his wrists still caught in Kate's iron grasp.

'Why don't you come in, Kate,' said Castle. 'Properly, I mean. Sit on the sofa. Relax a little bit. Get warm. I'll make you some hot chocolate, does that sound alright?'

'You don't have to do that, Castle,' said Beckett, looking visibly surprised that she was still holding Castle's wrists in her hands and quickly dropping them. 'I should probably go home. I kinda stormed out and I kinda need to check that my apartment is in one piece.'

'You stormed out?'

She could see the restraint in his eyes, torn between wanting to give her the privacy he knew she deserved and wanting to worm his way into the middle, pulling out every piece of information with a pair of pliers.

'I- yeah.'

'Why?' he asked imploringly. 'You know what, never mind. It's really none of my business.'

'It's alright, Castle. It's no big deal, really.'

'I just don't want to seem like I'm intruding.'

'When has that ever stopped you before?'

'Yeah, well, you've never come sobbing on my shoulder before so I don't really want to overstep.'

'Yeah right, Castle,' Beckett scoffed, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. 'You can't keep your nose out of anything. You're like a little 9 year old on a sugar rush that always needs to get his hand in the cookie jar.'

'That's not fair, Beckett,' said Castle, anger flashing in his eyes. 'I don't interfere to make myself feel better. I don't do it to get fodder for my book or to sooth some weird curiosity I have that _loves_ to thrive on your pain.'

'Castle, I didn't-'

'Just forget it, Beckett,' he said, turning his back on her, heading towards the kitchen. 'I'll make the hot chocolate if you're staying. The guest room is ready so you don't have to worry about walking home at this absurd hour.'

'Castle, stop,' following him into the kitchen, curling in on herself, her hands retreating into the depths of the long coat sleeves. 'I never meant it like that. You're not like that.'

'Then what am I like, Beckett? Hmmm. Please enlighten me.'

'You stick your nose in but you don't do it to hurt me. I know that. You know that,' she implored. 'I didn't mean to make it sound like I was snapping at you or criticising you. Please believe that.'

He wouldn't look at her. He wouldn't stop fiddling around with the hot chocolate. 'It's long forgotten then, detective.'

'Castle, please.'

She didn't know what to do. This was the farthest thing in her mind of how she expected this night to go but what did she really expect to happen? Did she honestly believe that she'd spill the beans? Acknowledge the elephant in the room? Actually communicate with this man and let him know that she may possibly be madly in love with him? But who was she kidding? There was no possible about it. She was in love with him. She had been for a long time. This egotistical, absurd, brilliant, kind-hearted and childish man had wormed his way into her life in all the nicest and somewhat annoying ways and had made a difference. He wanted to know her despite all her flaws and all her problems and hadn't walked out the door. She couldn't understand how she could ever deserve that. Kate knew she'd mess it up if they had ever made a go for it and tonight was just another pawn in the case to prove that. Barely off the ground and she had already put her foot in it, insinuating things.

Castle added the finishing touches to Kate's hot chocolate, his cup remaining empty and forgotten on the countertop.

He slid the warm drink in front of Kate, 'here you go, Beckett. Drink it while it's warm.'

She had to say it. She had to say it now.

'I'm going to bed. Call me if you need anything, and don't worry about waking me if I'm already asleep,' he said, finally sparing her a quick glance. 'The guest room is ready so please don't feel like you need to leave.'

He left before she could find the words to make him stop.

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><p><strong>AN:** Sooooooooo I'm continuing it. Updates may be slow over the next week or so because of deadlines but I'll make sure they pick up and become much more frequent afterwards. Hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

**Twitter:** CaptainGoode  
><strong>Tumblr:<strong> Whatthefawkes


	3. Confessions To A Mother

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Castle but if I did...

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><p><strong>III<strong>

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><p>Kate sat stunned, not sure what to say or do. Castle was always the one to push, to try and stop her from shutting down and hiding under a blanket of pain. He was the pillar of strength in this partnership and he never put his own emotions above and before her own. Until now. Kate had to admire this new side of him and think it was about damn time but a small ashamed part of herself wanted the old Castle back. The guy who would roll over, tongue lolling on the floor and listen intently to every word that tripped off her tongue as if it brought up the sun.<p>

She felt disgusted with herself. Wouldn't you?

Kate only wanted him to understand and to know exactly how she felt - no more subtext or half-truths. She was in this. She wanted more from them and once she got rid of a certain doctor and convinced a certain writer... That sounded crude, she mentally shook herself. When did she become that person? Balancing two men like marionettes on a string. They both deserved more. So much more than the life she held for them.

Her feet slid silently across the cold wood, toes curling against the soft fabric of the fluffy socks adorned on her feet. Toeing quietly through the room beyond the bookshelf, she hovered outside Castle's bedroom door. She had never seen his room before and the prospect of going behind the door sent a juxtaposing thrill of excitement and fear through her. Kate should be seeing his room for the first time under different circumstances. Circumstances that preferably included Castle's hand sliding under the edges of her shirt, tracing patterns across her skin; fingers deftly palming her breasts as he drew a deep moan from her lips. His mouth sucking on the tender spot on her neck; her fingers clutching at the hair on his head holding him tight against her, aligning their centres.

She was so stupid.

Kate inched open the door slowly, careful not to make a sound for fear that Castle was actually asleep. The room was exactly how she expected it and yet completely different from all of her expectations but it was so obviously and completely Castle. The deep rich colours, dark woods, soft fabrics and that ridiculously large photo of a lion on the far wall. Kate imaged Castle making some sort of quip about him being the alpha in this relationship and she had to smother a laugh. Her favourite, beautiful idiot.

A large mound on the right side of the bed lay with his back to the door. Kate stood there for several minutes unsure of exactly what she should do, the vacant space beside Castle looking warm and inviting. She stripped down into her underwear, sliding under the sinfully soft sheets before she could think much of it, second guess her choices and run screaming in the opposite direction. Kate edged carefully from her side of the bed towards Castle, sliding her arm over his torso, slipping her leg between the two of his, nestling her head near his shoulder. She held her breath waiting for him to push her away but he only sighed and pulled her closer, his arm finding a home on her hip.

She could get used to this.

She flinched into wakefulness, the remnants of a nightmare still clinging to her like a disease. Her hand slid across the bed seeking out the form of the man she had so boldly cuddled with last night but found nothing. The bed was cold.

He was gone.

Kate sat up swiftly, rubbing away the sleep from her eyes, looking mournfully at the empty side of the bed. Something crunched under the weight of her hand, sharp corners sticking into soft flesh. She lifted her hand to reveal a very crumpled note addressed to her. 'Had a meeting. Be back soon. - RC', that's what it said. Kate stared at the clock dubiously, it was 7am.

He was avoiding her. There was no other explanation. And where the hell were her clothes? She was certain she had left them at the end of the bed but they weren't there now. Kate tugged Castle's dress shirt off of the armchair in the corner room and put it on. The soft cotton felt like heaven on her skin. If only he could see her now.

She stepped out of his room, his office, and set off for the kitchen. Destination coffee.

'Hey Kiddo,' said Martha knowingly.

'Martha?' said Kate, stopping abruptly in the doorway, suddenly very conscious of what she was wearing. 'I- I didn't expect to see you here this morning. I-'

'Don't look so frightened, darling. Come sit down,' said Martha, waving her arms around to draw Kate nearer. 'Richard told me you'd be here this morning before he ran off in a hurry.'

'He did?' She gaped, her heart thrumming against her chest. 'Did he seem okay?'

'No different than usual. A little bit flustered and eager to get out the door.'

'Oh,' Kate looked down, her fingers curling against the soft cotton of her shirt. 'What time did he leave?'

'Just after I got home, so around 6' said Martha, staring intently at Kate, gauging her every facial expression. 'Now tell me, Kiddo, what's happened between you and my son?'

'I don't know how much Rick has told you.'

'A little more than nothing, I suppose.'

'The freezer,' Kate hesitated. 'Do you know about the freezer... and the bomb?'

'Just the cliff notes version.'

'Did he mention Josh?'

'Your Doctor boyfriend giving you both medical attention?' said Martha, something. 'He mentioned it, Katherine.'

'I never expected him to be there, you know. He was supposed to be off saving the world in Haiti,' said Kate, something. 'It was how I liked it. I'm here and Josh's too busy to see me because he's too busy being Captain America. I know that must sound awful.'

Martha gazed at her thoughtfully, 'it sounds like you're in a relationship when you really don't want to be.'

'I- yeah,' said Kate, something. 'I should have ended it a long time ago but-'

'You didn't'

'I didn't and I know it's wrong of me to keep stringing him along. I know.' said Kate, knocking the hair out of her face angrily. 'But I knew that if I ended it months ago then Castle would have come out from the wings.'

Martha flashed a small smile at the theatre reference, 'Do you not love my son?'

'No - I mean - Yes,' said Kate stuttering over her words, her heart beating erratically in her chest. She wasn't supposed to be having this conversation with Richard Castle's mother. 'I wasn't ready.'

'Wasn't ready for what, Katherine, Darling.'

'For Castle to show me just how much he loved me. Lanie has been telling me for three years and I wasn't ready for that all-encompassing love. How he loves so openly and freely and full of expression.'

'Are you ready now?'

'I- I think so.'

'And Josh?'

'We had a screaming match last night... before I came here. He was so angry. More angry at Castle than anyone else. He blamed him for my 'wandering eye' as he called it.'

Kate shook her head, soft laughter slipping out, tears pooled in her eyes waiting to be spilt.

'And it hit me, you know. How could I have stayed with someone like this who would blindly insult me - insult my partner - and expect me to stick around and love him?'

'Maybe he never really knew you, darling.'

'He never did,' Kate said, with such strong confidence that she wasn't sure why it had taken her so long to realise. 'I have so many walls and he never even broke down one. Never even saw over the top of one stupid wall. He never cared.'

'Not like my son?'

'Definitely not like your son,' said Kate, a sad smile staining her face. 'I came here to try and fix things. Confess things.'

'And did you?' said Martha, eyebrows raised, a genuine interest twinkling in her eyes.

'No. I made a flippant comment and it come out wrong and Castle just shut down. He shut down and he walked away.'

'If you prove to my son how much you love him, show him what I have seen then he'll forgive you,' said Martha, covering Kate's hand with her own. 'Maybe not right away but I'm afraid, where you're concerned my son will forgive the world if it meant that he could keep you.'

Kate's shoulders shook under the shock of Martha's words, the tears cascading down her cheeks.

'I don't deserve him.'

'You may not think so, darling, but you do. You may cause each other a sea of hurt - all the hiding and the secrets and the lies - but you do it out of your own misguided intentions to not cause the other pain.'

Kate sighed. This was such a mess. They were such a mess; two broken halves of a whole.

'Did he say anything to you this morning? Anything at all.'

'Just that it's not what it looks like if I see you blundering your way out of my son's room at some point this morning.'

'I may have been a bit forward last night and crept into his bed whilst he was asleep.'

'Way to go, kiddo.'

Kate had to resist the urge to laugh. The absolute absurdity and awkwardness of this moment was too much and yet it was strangely comforting. Martha was rooting for her, for them.

'I should probably go, Martha.' said Kate, straightening herself out, elongating her body to its full height. 'I need to get to work and if Rick comes home can you tell him that I'll see him at the station later on?'

'You can count on it, darling,' said Martha, wrapping Kate in a warm embrace.

She was restless and impatient and just plain damn agitated. Every time she heard the lift doors open, Kate had to resist the urge to swivel around in her chair and see if it was him. She shook her shoulders slightly, trying to ease the tension building in her muscles. It was absolutely ridiculous how bad she wanted him to step out of that stupid lift, with that shit eating grin on his face and two cups of coffee in his hands. Kate wanted everything to be normal. Not normal normal but the new normal she wants them to be. The new normal she's already messed up.

Her pen tapped repeatedly against the stack of papers she'd barely glanced at in the last hour. It was already 10am - 10am and no Castle.

The boys kept throwing glances her way when they thought she wasn't looking, thinking she hadn't noticed their concerned gazes. Ryan less obvious than Espo. She wasn't sure what it was? Were they just worried because she'd almost frozen to death or because they could sense how far over the edge she was?

'Hey, Beckett?'

Kate's head shot up, the elbow balancing on the edge of her desk slipping off in the swift change in positions. She cursed under her breath, the pain pulsating up her elbow, deep into the bone.

'Yeah, Espo?'

'Are you good?'

'I'm fine.'

'Are you sure? You look a bit-' he hesitated, the steadily rising eyebrow of Kate Beckett causing his to stutter and falter.

'I look a bit 'what', Espo?' Kate hummed, rising from her chair.

Espo shrunk back in his seat, 'nothing nothing. You look good. Real good.'

'Flirting with me now?' arms folded, eyebrow raised, Kate stared him down.

'What?' Espo shouted, eyes large, backing his chair away into his desk. 'No. No. Ew. Besides Castle would kill me.'

'What was that?'

'Nothing. Nothing.'

'Better be,' Kate said, her heart lifting slightly at the opportunity of getting to mess with her boys. 'My eyes are shot. I'm going to the break room for a coffee. You guys want one?'

'But you haven't drunk the last one you got an hour ago,' Ryan blurted out before receiving a sharp elbow to the ribs.

Kate's eyes turned to slits, her hand reaching out for the very full cup of coffee in the corner of her desk. She chose not to respond, marching off towards the break room and slamming the door.

That was stupid.

There was no reason for her to lose her temper but she was just so close to the edge. She fiddled with the stupid machine Castle had bought for the precinct and managing to do nothing but burn herself on the steam.

'I'm sure if you treated the coffee machine better you could make a coffee, no problem.'

'Wh-what?' Kate stuttered, turning towards the door only to find Castle leaning against the doorframe. He looked tired, the sparkle not so bright in his eyes.

He offered her a small smile. He was still that fragile man she saw last night but that little smile, she'd take it.

'Castle, you came,' she breathed out on a sigh, wanting to step closer to him but staying rooted to the spot.

'My mother told me that you expected me to show my face so here I am.'

'Did she say anything else?'

'Not particularly, why?' Castle wiggled his eyebrows, the bravado that would normally accompany it, completely missing. 'Talking about me, were you?'

'Maybe. Something like that.'

'Let me help you with that,' he said, grabbing the cup from her hands and operating the blasted machine in a way only he could.

She watched him work; the muscles flexing under his shirt. Where was his jacket? Not that she was complaining. Kate studied his features, the flicker of emotions traversing over his face. He looked up and something changed. He looked so broken.

'I think I understand now, you know. I'll leave you alone,' he muttered, his voice breaking through her thoughts. The cup of coffee left abandoned by the machine.

What did he mean by that? He threw her through a loop, his words knocking her completely off balance. She could barely get a reply out of her lips before he was walking away.

'Hey, Castle, wait,' she yearned, trying to grab for his arm but he was already out of reach. 'What did you mean just then? Where are you going?'

She watched him barge past a large body in the frame of the door, never bothering to look up or apologising.

'Kate.'

'Josh?'

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><p><strong>AN:** So after 2 presentations and a 5,000 word essay. I am finished with semester 1 of my masters degree and you guys get chapter 3 (which I made longer than the others as you had to wait so long). I hope you enjoy it and tell me what you think :D I'll try to get chapter four out as soon as possible.

**Twitter:** CaptainGoode  
><strong>Tumblr:<strong> Whatthefawkes


	4. Heated Arguments

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Castle. Sadly.

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><p><strong>IV<strong>

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><p>'Josh, what are you doing here?'<p>

'What am I doing here?' Josh said incredulously, slamming the door and stepping closer into the room. 'I came to see my girlfriend. I came to see if she was alright. Instead I find you with _him_.'

'You don't own me, Josh. Did you not get it last night? Did you not understand what I said? We're over.'

'You never meant that, Kate. We were having a fight. Things got heated,' he said, trying to grab for her hand but Kate dodged away from his touch.

Kate shook her head, 'I meant every word I said last night. Just like you did.'

'Kate, come can't be serious. You're going to leave me for a guy plastered on page 6 with a different women on his arm every night.

Kate laughed, 'you just keep proving my point. You're not gods gift to women and the Castle you see on page 6 isn't the Castle I know.'

'Come on, Kate. Don't you see this is all a game to him? He only wants to get in your pants - nothing else. You'll be thrown on the scrap heap with all the other Castle groupies.'

'I am not a groupie,' said Kate, her worlds barely louder than a whisper, her tone sharp enough to cut glass. 'Castle has gone above and beyond trying to prove how much he cares and appreciates me. He broke through my walls. You never got over one.'

'And why do you think that is, Kate?' said Josh, he eyes blazing with anger. 'Why do you think I never got inside those walls? You never let me. Not once precious Richard Castle was warmly inside.'

'Don't give me that bullshit. You never tried.'

'I goddamn tried, Kate. I tried but you just built an even bigger wall and kept me out in the cold.'

'Then why are you still here? Why are you still here fighting for something that barely existed? I said we're done. You need to leave.'

'You want to know why I'm still here?' said Josh, banging his fist on the table. 'I'm still here in the vain hope that there's something in your heart that wants us to work.'

Kate looked away, wrapping her arms protectively around herself, 'we're done, Josh. Stop trying.'

Josh shook his head, 'so that's it. You're trading me in for writer monkey?'

'So what if I am?' Kate asked indignantly.

'You'll regret it, you know. He'll hurt you,' Josh said, rubbing his palms up and down her hands. Kate letting him touch her for the first time since he stepped foot in the break room moments earlier.

'He's hurt me already and I've hurt him.'

'Sounds like such a healthy relationship you've got there,' Josh mocked sarcastically.

'If you've given your heart to someone and you don't get hurt along the way then it was never love. It was never worth the time of day.'

'And you think that's what we had?'

'Yeah, Josh. I do.'

'I guess I should go then. It was nice knowing you, Kate.'

'And you, Josh. You'll find someone better. Someone who will treat you the way I never could.'

He barely spared Kate a backward glance as he walked out of the room, out of her life. She felt distinctly empty. In a matter of minutes she had completely lost her boyfriend, and possibly her best friend. Kate took a few moments to collect herself before walking out of the break room to Ryan and Esposito who were so very obviously not spying on her. It was almost comical, her protective brothers. They skidded on their chairs trying to get back to their desks narrowly crashing into each other. Ryan quickly picked up the phone rambling off a series on nonsensical statements and sighs of agreement.

'You can give it up now, guys,' said Beckett, kicking the backing of Espo's chair lightly. 'I know you were listening and all I want to know is where Castle went.'

'I- Beckett- We weren't,' Ryan stuttered.

'Castle? Where did he go?' Kate enunciated each word fully and slowly.

'We don't know. He flew outta here like a bat outta hell as soon as motorcycle boy showed up. I shouted for him but he didn't stop,' said Esposito.

'Right,' said Kate, pausing to glance at her desk before settling on her decision. 'Can you boys cover for me for a few hours? I got something to do.'

'We got your back, Beckett,' said Ryan, smiling at her. 'You go do your thing.'

'Thanks guys, I owe you one.'

She didn't even wait for them to respond. Kate was already at her desk, grabbing her bag and heading toward the exit.

'Hey, Beckett, wait up,' shouted a voice from over her shoulder as she reached the lift.

Kate hummed, turning around coming face to face with Javier Esposito.

'Look, Kate, I'm no good at this but good luck.'

'Good luck?'

'Yeah, I mean, you're going to go see Castle right now, right? And he's good for you.' Kate tried to interrupt, a question on the tip of her tongue but Esposito waved her off, 'I hope it works out because we've had this pool going for too long for you guys to ruin it now,' he guffawed.

Kate punched him in the arm, laughing, 'you sure now how to ruin a nice brotherly moment.'

Espo shrugged, grinning, 'I try but seriously, Kate, I want this to work out for you. I don't think I've ever seen you happier than I have when you're with Castle.'

Kate flashed a smile, 'thanks Javi, I hope it works to. I hope he listens to me.'

'He'll listen, don't you worry, chica.'

Kate pulled him to a hug, gripping hard. 'Phone me if there's a body, kay?'

'Naw, you go do your thing. We can hold down the fort for the rest of the day. Montgomery won't even notice you're gone.'

'And why does that worry me?'

'Just go, Beckett. We've got everything covered. You go talk to Castle.'

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><p>Kate pulled up outside of the loft, shards of anxiety settled deep within her stomach threatening to bubble its way up her throat. Nineteen times. She had phoned castle nineteen times on the way over and nineteen times it had gone to voicemail. She wasn't sure how worried she should be. Should she just be simply worried because he was ignoring her? Or should she be more worried because he seemed to have gone completely off the grid and where Castle was concerned that'll likely end up with him in some sort of trouble.<p>

She greeted the doorman briskly on the way in, hurrying towards her destination, bypassing the lift in favour for the stairs. She needed control, to feel the power of actually doing something and the stairs afforded her that small victory. Breathing heavily, Kate knocked on the door to the loft.

The door swung open but the face behind it was not the face she was expecting it to be.

'Oh, Martha, hello.'

'Katherine, darling, what's wrong?'

'Is Castle here? He's not answering his phone.'

Martha pulled Kate in, 'I thought he was at the precinct. He came home a couple of hours ago and I delivered your message as requested.'

'I'm not blaming you, Martha,' said Kate, clutching Martha's hand. 'He came to the precinct but then Josh showed up and Castle just walked out.'

'Ah,' said Martha, motioning for Kate to sit beside her.

'He left before I had the chance to explain. Josh and I are over. Josh came to see me to try and salvage what we had but I couldn't, Martha. I couldn't. You have to believe me.'

She didn't know why she was begging. It wasn't going to achieve anything. Martha wasn't Castle.

'Oh I believe you, darling. But that son of mine... have you tried the Old Haunt? He sometimes likes to drown his sorrows in that little office of his he has down there.'

'That never even crossed my mind. Thank you, Martha.'

Martha smiled, 'nonsense, kiddo. Go woo my son.'

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><p>'Brian, right?' Kate asked the man behind the bar wiping down some glasses.<p>

'Oh Detective Beckett, hey' said the bartender, putting the glass on the counter. He smiled at her confusion, 'I remember you from last time you were here and Mr. Castle said to make you feel welcome whenever you dropped by again.'

'Really? Is he here?'

'He's downstairs. Do you want me to take you down or let him know you're here?' said Brian, already walking towards the door at the back of the bar.

'It's alright, Brian,' said Kate, offering him a warm smile. 'I can find him.'

'Alright, Detective. You have a nice day, now.'

'You too, Brian.'

Kate took each step slowly, willing her anxiety to calm down as she got closer to the bottom of the staircase. When the room came into view her heart rate spiked when she never spotted Castle on first perusal.

'Castle? You down here?'

'Go away, Beckett,' came a muffled voice from somewhere to her left.

'Oh Rick,' she breathed on a sigh, locating him in a dingy corner with a full bottle of scotch next to him.

'Can't you leave a guy to feel like shit in his own establishment?'

'Rick, please. Come sit on that horrid looking sofa over there so we can talk.'

'Why?' he asked, brushing away her hand. 'So you can ask why I walked out and then listen to you moon over motorcycle boy? I don't think so.'

'Would you stop being unreasonable for five seconds?'

'Unreasonable?' Castle choked, pushing himself off the ground. 'You think _I'm_ being unreasonable?'

'You are-'

'The only person being unreasonable around here is you, Beckett. I've had enough of being the guy you keep on a leash to make you feel good. I've had enough of watching you parade motorcycle boy around like you're happy when you're clearly not. I've had enough.'

Kate swallowed a sob, 'Rick, please.'

'No, Kate. This is it. I'm not doing it anymore.'

Kate steeled herself, shaking her head frantically, her hands clenched into fists, 'would you just shut up for five freaking seconds so you can just listen to me because I love you, Castle.'

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Thanks for all the kind reviews so far, you guys are awesome. Genuinely shocked so many of you are actually enjoying this story. I hope everyone has had a great Christmas. The next chapter won't be up until after I've posted the next chapter _January 9, 1999_. Can't wait to hear what you guys think about this update (and I also changed my twitter handle. I'm now _CaptainGoode_ :)  
>- Jess xox<p>

**Twitter:** CaptainGoode  
><strong>Tumblr:<strong> Whatthefawkes


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